may16th....

A year ago today we landed in Magadan Russia. We had been travelling for more hours than I cared to count and were shell shocked and travel weary. We were taken to our hotel and told we could rest, that at around 3 we would be picked up to go meet our future daughter. Never mind that we had been up for 48 plus hours, who could sleep. When we got to the babyhome, we met the Director and the Doctor, they gave us some brief info on Grace and some of her likes and dislikes. We were then moving to a new room to meet her, but we ran into her in the hall as they were bringing her in to meet us. My first thought, she must be mine, she's in all pink! This is who we saw....
The girl we met that day, didn't laugh when tickled, didn't know how to be held or carried, didn't know to smile when someone smiled at her. She was a very quiet and stoic girl.

Today, she is full of life and joy and laughs all the time. She loves to be tickled and when you hold her she holds on. When we hug, she mashes her cheek to yours. This girl knows how to love and live life fully. Who knew how much she would change or how much we would love her one year later.

Happy Mother's Day and updates

Happy Mother's Day, to all those who have their children with them, but most especially to those who are waiting to bring their children home. Last year we left on Mother's Day to go meet Grace for the first time. It was a strange day to say the least. I was excited to meet Grace, but I am a notoriously bad flyer, so I was so upset to be leaving the boys on an airplane, over water. I cried a lot last year.

This year I was treated to a morning of sleeping in, okay 8am, but it's better than 7! My wonderful hubby cooked me breakfast, my kids made me beautiful presents and we ate lunch and dinner out. I have not cooked a thing today, I haven't taken a kid to the restroom, or wiped a hiney, or gotten a juice cup refill, Scott has insisted on doing it all (this could mean bad things for me come Father's day huh?)

We have been very busy in our house. the first week on May is always bad, I run a huge plant sale for our pre-school which means I am stressed and unavailable. May first was A's 8th birthday, oh more stress. We managed to survive it all but barely. The night of A's birthday (and the night before the actual big plant sale) Grace got the croup. We've had the croup here many times people, I laugh at the croup for in the past it has been no big deal, pop the kid in a steamy bathroom, problem solved until the morning when you get steroids from the Doc. Not this time Grace got the CROUP! She was up all night, we have a 75 gallon hot water tank, I emptied it twice. There were moments where I thought i should go to the ER. It. was. not. a good. night!

The next day Scott had to take her to the Pedi, because I was selling plants. Now I should mention that the day before the boys had soccer practice and M kept laying on the ground. I kept yelling at him to get up and practice, it wasn't nap time. When Scott took the kids to the Pedi, Grace had the CROUP! and M had the coup, a sinus infection and an ear infection. Yes, I am that great a mother.

Since then everyone has recovered, but J slammed his middle finger in a door, it is black and swollen and gross. And, you should see him when he shows the finger to people, he flips them off. I hide my head. It's never a dull moment here!

I am now going to take my Motherly self or as Scott calls me, Mom to 4 and Non-Mom to 1, thank you very much NBC, and watch Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters.

Today, wishing me a happy day
A turns the big 8 and gets a new bike
How Grace spends part of every day, cheering on her brothers at a sporting event
The Diva at lunch, she always has on some concoction
J and Grace set the webkinz up to watch TV, the other day they lined them up on the wall in time out.

When did you first love your child?

There are many posts on FRUA and on blogs all about how people met their future child and fell instantly in love with with them. I've been doing a lot of thinking about that since the one year anniversary of meeting Grace is just around the corner.

The truth is , I didn't love Grace at first sight, I didn't love her for a long time. I'm never sure if that is because I had kids at home that I had a relationship with, and Grace was a stranger to me, or if it was fear, I think it was a bit of both.

I remember getting her referral photo and thinking she doesn't look like my daughter, and really feeling no attachment to the picture. If we had lost her I don't know how I would have felt, sad yes, but maybe not much more. I was very afraid to get my hopes up, I read the horror stories, so I spent a lot of time trying not to get attached. Meanwhile my Mom showed the picture to complete strangers she was so excited.

Then we went and met Grace, and I didn't feel that instant love, or love at all on the first trip. I felt protective of her, I wanted to take her with us and make her life better and I wanted to know her better, but I would not allow myself to get attached. We never called her Grace, we used her Russian name, I felt like I had to keep my distance in case we lost her. Scott was much more attached and couldn't wait to go get her. He didn't know what to do with me. I have to admit to being afraid that I wouldn't be able to love her, because I didn't feel the love for her during our wait.

Then one day in mid-June friends from our agency sent me a picture of Grace they had taken when they were in Magadan picking up their girls. When I saw this I cried, and cried and I finally felt an inkling of the love for Grace that was to come.
She looked so sad and disheveled and I could tell from the picture how much she needed us to love her, and I let myself realize how much I needed her. Now don't go thinking that from that moment on it was rainbows and butterflies, it wasn't. That was just the moment that I finally realized that I could love this child and that I in fact did have some love for her.

When Grace first came home I spent a lot of time looking at this picture to remember those feelings, because loving her while she tried so hard to push us away was HARD! I spent a lot of time wondering what we had done and if we had wrecked our family. Thankfully those days were short lived, but of those of you in process who read this, I hope that you know that if you don't have that immediate reaction of love when you first meet you child, it's okay, the love will come, I promise!